seeking

NB: it doesn't makes sense to anyone except one, so the choice to read it is yours.

a whole new revelation. seek balance, as what he says. those who have greater minds all came to a dead-end. i, too, find myself back tracking, going in circles, only to end where i begin with. though he says that it was the journey that was of more importance than the result, why then do i continue to seek an answer that i already knew? does it think that it has a greater capability than all other human beings, which is why it continues seeking? such arrogance i detest, yet i can't change. fight it, and it retaliates. likewise with emotions: suppress it, and it bounces back. eventually, rationale triumphs, but at the expense of countless casualities. unlike war, it is inevitable. or perhaps it is, but not that i know of. perhaps that is why there are guidelines called principles of life. however, it all comes down to the inner soul, what do i believe? regretably, none yet. he says that when it comes to a point where all logic doesn't make sense, then it is where faith begins. but does it work both ways? does faith transcend logic? am i too demanding or untrusting to seek beliefs? why do i put down and rationalize, yet not finding an answer? questions. no answer. cycles.

constrain. just what i needed. when the human body and mind is at its weakest, it almost succumbed and is susceptible to dangerous emotions. control; yet it becomes weaker as it cumulates. time alone is a challenging factor: when it was going to hit point-zero, rationale comes to the rescue. a wrongdoing which i avoided, yet i am not satisfied. a long-term battle which needs to be settled. always at the spur of moment, i lost but miracles occured. like cancer, there is no remedy; only theraupy. time is not on my side, i need some seclusion, but what good will it do? perhaps i need a refreshing breakaway from life, which i have no luxury to. every second it plays on, and with each moment results in a changed person.

happiness. is it what we live for? balance, yet again, he stresses. understanding that misery brings about elation, then what is the goal? the creator, is there such a person? self-improvement, the essence of life? heaven, is there such a place? logically endless and vast...
he's going to give me a book to read, i hope that helps. he comments that i am the few who thinks about these stuff, which is rather good in his opinion. bestowed with it, i am grateful, yet nobody knows and cares as it begins to seem troublesome. different. not small, but a major difference between all the councillors, perhaps to the extent of being an outcast. yet my voicebox doesn't want to open its mouth, again with thanks to my rationale thoughts? he says, "trust yourself more". interesting, though i know that people can trust me to the fullest, yet where is thy trust for myself? situations and circumstances might turn it to arrogance, which i thoroughly detest. lastly, a very good question he leaves me to ponder: what is the life stuck wants to live?

sorry if i left some of you in wonder, but you are definitely not alone. how i wish i was as carefree as all of you: just insolvable problems of the heart. do not worry, it will all come together and nature would find its way. brace yourself, and have fun! =) thank you!