orientation 2005

faster than i thought, orientation just swept past. not only did i NOT grow, i shrunk and lost alot of self-respect. glad to see all the others grow, but the leaves on my tree just flew away along with the wind. losing all respect from everyone too, i didn't say a word. i couldn't. so the best is to remain quiet. think. So you people can now drop their fake and pretentious "hey, you did a great job!" tone. thanks kai for everything. losing respect from everybody and myself wasn't that bad, it was the principles which matter. i didn't adhere to it, it had to be driven into my mind when kai shouted at me. realization. everything could have been lost, but my principles? that was the end. but after listening to kai's advice, we will have to grit our teeth and bear with it. just bear in mind our principles and be the best that we can be. BP once said, "we train boys so that they can be useful to people". So i shall now stand by my principles and be useful to people. made this mistake once, enough to last me a lifetime. now, i put my life on the line as a guarentee to REMEMBER my principles and CARRY IT OUT. the lesson for life.

i'm sorry to have let down everybody who participated in the orientation. i couldn't break down. i just couldn't. had a long and outrageous internal struggle; nobody knows, nobody cares. starvation. ill-treatment. self torture. it would have been better to run away or faint, but responsibilities are to be fulfilled. a facade of smiles and "everything's going well" portrayed on the outside, and i did it so naturally. though receding at times, i had to make sure everything goes well and everyone's welfare is taken care of. it has to be done. amongst the unhappiness, feelings overwhelmed and rationale too. ferocious battles fought in instances. teachers, the titans, losing it too. what could be done? like a volcano, it looks so calm on the outside. a blank face, nothing more. panick, running for their lives to avoid the mishap. more people were shedding tears, and all the more i can't break. huge supporters helping, i sprung to life. it seemed that i had erupted, fell down, but truly, nobody knows what i'm thinking, nor what i feel. guilt stricken, others falling and fallen. bullets still flying, i can't save them. fading away right in front of my eyes yet not being able to do anything. helplessness and terror, WHY ON EARTH DO I EXIST?!? sufferings in life too hard to bear, too profound to comprehend, too intricate to solve. to witness yet not to resolve, to bear the palm alone with no power is terrifying. so unity is strength. but where is thy unity? such words are powerless and speak little of feelings. i'm utterly sorry for all the complains. this may be too much for me to handle. i wonder how the rest might feel? most should be slacking (sorry if i stereotyped) and i do admire that hobby. respect earned seemed to be only one. nobody notices, but behind his smiles are heavier workloads and stress way beyond mine. standing stronger than everyone else, he does not falter, nor does he show it. even he is still learning. there's definitely something more behind those eyes that i know not, but i hope to seek. most importantly, thank you mr yeow! true respect once gained, stays forever.

visualize everything as an outsider seems rather good, but to be alert on what's happening inside is alarming. such is the way of life. orientation objective achieved, and once again rest is bestowed upon us. but not for long, as work crawls behind, leaving terrible scratches and inbearable pain.